Well what I can see now is that to cut a long story short ‘I’ have been aiming at the wrong target. Essentially those attempts at self-immolation were not aimed at benefitting flesh and blood bodies, they were aimed at the various inhabitants of reality. Driving home just now I lol’ed to myself as I remembered the instructions - Allow ‘my’ self-immolation for the benefit of this body, that body and every body.
It makes sense that no matter how hard ‘I’ ran or how frantically ‘I’ searched it was always another invisible wall. ‘I’ cannot sacrifice ‘myself’ altruistically unless there is a genuine target. The genuine target is those factually existing flesh and blood humans ie my fellow human beings.
What I realised today very quickly is that I was never afraid of my fellow human beings either, it was the identities that I was afraid of, that I resented etc But it doesn’t matter now whether I can ever bond in a normal way with other identities, because they are not the target of all this.
I remember in the Q and A’s from Australia there was a quote utilised - “Give to me a fulcrum on which to plant my lever, and I will move the world”. I understand this now because before it was as if the energy which kept ‘me’ in place would not budge even if ‘I’ pushed as hard as ‘I’ possibly could - of course because who is doing the pushing and who is being pushed 
Whereas this genuine target, something outside of ‘me’ is what makes it possible. And with seeing the above it sunk in deeply just what happens, in that ‘I’ do indeed sacrifice ‘myself’, it is exactly what it says on the tin.
So it seems now ‘I’ have seen that there is a cliff edge, ‘I’ haven’t jumped yet though. And this is really big, it is the end for ‘me’ which means only genuine altruism will do, in that ‘I’ will sacrifice all of ‘myself’ to benefit something outside of ‘myself’.
This “really big” aspect it is not fearful but it is more like what Srinath wrote :
I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away
I can understand what Geoffrey said to Claudiu in that it is not “kid business”, neither is it serious though… but it is very very sincere