But now reading past my post I am reconsidering what I wrote yesterday, I wonder if the fact that it hasn’t happened yet - only it could happen - is that I am waiting for the perfect opportunity, if such a thing even existed. I guess in ‘my’ gameplan that perfect opportunity would happen on ‘my’ final plateau but now I see there isn’t such a thing. It’s like I am describing things which have already happened multiple times and no cigar and then I am looking for more of the same as a solution. And yet probably I could have those experiences ten times over now and it would be a “almost” every time.
What I can certainly say is that all this considering I am doing now is no longer mired in suffering, seriousness or the sudorific. And to add there is a genuine thirst for oblivion now. It makes sense that ‘I’ needed all the ‘rules and regulations’ before, because ‘I’ was trying to force ‘myself’ to do something ‘I’ was not ready for, ‘I’ didnt want it. It seems once ‘I’ genuinely want it then all the ‘rules and regulations’ fly out the window.
It’s actually quite odd that it’s like this because ‘I’ remember ‘my’ resistance before, now there is an excitement and a taste of freedom when I do any of this considering.