Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for re-emphasising this point. What I meant to convey was that when ‘I’ am in that ‘normal’ place this dark/red blob is how ‘I’ experience ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being, which is ‘being’ itself.
However when ‘I’ enjoy and appropriate naively and in gay abandon something does happen to that blob. In fact during those times I cannot clearly detect this heavy black/red blob anymore, somehow the very essence of the blob has morphed into a different kind of energy - a felicitous and innocuous energy I presume.
Then it doesn’t seem so heavy, so dark, so gunky, it’s more light and that burden of ‘being’ is greatly diminished. So it seems that when ‘I’ am ‘being’ naive the very core of ‘me’ shifts somehow. ‘I’ am no longer in reality and yet it’s not actuality either, it’s that wonderful inbetween, and the core of ‘my’ being seems to match that wonderful aspect, it becomes a lot more light and fluffy.
It seems it is from that kind of experiencing that self immolation could take place because then ‘I’ am not so strongly rooted, that ‘gravity of being’ is much reduced. Like ‘I’ could dissapear at any moment and there would be no ‘weight’ to it, no drama etc Whereas when ‘normal’ that black/red blob is too heavy and too persistently situated to budge. When naive ‘I’ am so light that it seems ‘I’ could just float away and never come back.
I will just add this as well, which it seems to imply that ‘I’ am not trying to take ‘myself’ into actuality. Because whenever those experiences happen and ‘I’ am so light like ‘I’ could just float away, there is always the thought of - ‘I’ would gladly disappear for good right now. There is never a thought of “I can’t wait to be actually free etc”.
As in there is a progression of ‘my’ burden being diminished and from there ‘I’ can see that what ‘I’ deeply desire is for that burden to end altogether, for ‘me’ to become extinct and to allow life to happen of it’s own accord without ‘me’ spoiling things anymore.