So looking more at all this I can see a little better what has been going on for a while now. Because I have indeed been spending a lot of time enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon, many extraordinary experiences.
But the main point is that there was always something else to return back to. In that I would go into gay abandon have all these amazing experiences and then fall back to somewhere just before the gay abandon.
So the reason it has not been a constant acceleration forward is because I have had somewhere to return back to. So those “outings” into gay abandon were like little trips that ‘I’ would take to check out the territory, but always I would return back. It’s like flying off into space except it’s one of them Elon Musk rockets that can come back 
And many of those extraordinary experiences it did seem like ‘I’ could disappear for good at any moment, and yet the fact of having somewhere to return back to ensured that ‘I’ never became extinct. It was always “oh wow ‘I’ could become extinct right now” rather than it being an inevitability due to there being nowhere else to return back to, only the acceleration forward.
So it’s all pretty cool right now because it’s like I had some time to regroup and recharge first of all Secondly and this is very good to realise is that now I see that going all the way into actual freedom has got nothing to do with - seriousness, suffering or anything sudorific.
I already have a good sense of the direction to travel in and now I can see that proceeding in that direction without anywhere else to return back to is not to do with pushing myself in a sudorific manner, this cannot work. At best ‘I’ will end up getting on a rollercoaster ride that ‘I’ don’t want to be on And the ride which ‘I’ don’t want to be on ends up being a return ticket every time.
As Srinath wrote :
There was this completely sincere and thrilling ‘jumping out of my skin’ desire to get in the pool
It seems that this is the kind of thrill which is experienced on the one way ride. It is not hedonically unpleasant because it is a ride which ‘I’ deeply desire and willingly choose to be on.
And so comprehending the above there isn’t the resistance anymore, because before ‘I’ did a lot of pushing, and pushing through some pretty intense feelings, and I just wore ‘myself’ out doing that, I can’t do that again, but also there is no need for it haha.
Richard wrote :
in fact I have some very blurry black and white ‘home movie’ type footage of myself, circa March 1981, which ends with ‘me’ saying: ‘Do your own thing … but have fun; if you’re not having fun then, hell, stop doing it, something is wrong; if you’re not having fun, if you have to force yourself to go to work, if you’re unhappy, something is wrong’
Of course it’s no different with proceeding towards actual freedom. This one way ride that ‘I’ am to get on is to be a jaunt of a lifetime, not something that ‘I’ grind through.