So I am understanding this more and more experientially, it really is a different way of being and it’s way beyond normal human expectations. When the doer is abeyant and the naive beer is ascendant it is already so wonderful that it seems surely it can’t get better. I am not there all the time, it seems I can still bounce back into where the controller is in place. It’s funny because the controller is deathly afraid of releasing that vice-like grip and yet when ‘he’ does there is such a wonderful and marvellous freedom that unfolds.
I can see that it does require naivete in buckets, because the controller feels/believes that ‘he’ is somehow required, apparently for some very serious reason ‘he’ must remain in control. In order for the controller to go into abeyance it is as if ‘I’ have to agree (at the very depths of ‘my’ being) that life is not a serious business, that it is not a vale of tears, it is not a dog eat dog world out there etc. ‘I’ say a big, resounding yes to being alive right now, with no resentment or resistance whatsoever and then the controller can go into abeyance. And when this happens it really is “bester”, that this is what ‘I’ can have as a feeling being.
So it is great that I can see what is possible now, and the reward is immediate. It’s funny because I was so desperate about actual freedom and now seeing what is possible even before it I am thinking if I was to live like that all the time then my life would be already complete, it is that amazing.
But then again I remember living like that as a child, I have many memories of living as if in a wonderland, there was no resentment or looking for more. In Poland there was very little structure in terms of what kids would do after school. I just remember going on various “adventures” with my friends at the time, jumping across the streams and catching frogs and building tree houses etc. I was truly having the time of my life back then. So basically what I lived back then is what is humanly possible ie what I can have as a feeling being now.
I remember one occasion where I was visiting my grandparents and my auntie took me with her boyfriend at the time to go mushroom picking - the joy and excitement I experienced at going mushroom picking was off the scale! I still remember it, it was something like what Srinath wrote in his report :
I pondered on what I had wanted before and recalled a simple childhood memory of being excited about going to the swimming pool when I was about 10 years old. There was this completely sincere and thrilling ‘jumping out of my skin’ desire to get in the pool