Hi Vineeto,
So replying to your message the other day :
This is a most extraordinary description of experiences. I can’t make out if you temporarily entered the actual world or are perhaps stuck in the door which should disappear as soon as you fully enter or … or is this possibly a mirage created by a still hesitating but nevertheless cunning identity?
…
Perhaps another question can clarify something – has this “utter fullness” the same flavour as pure intent, “a palpable life-force; an actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself”?
I will explain how the experience came about in some more detail. Me and Sonya were watching a zombie movie and I became fascinated by the fact that the world portrayed could never happen in actuality, this was seen with absolute certainty. It could never happen because evil does not exist in actuality, it could never happen because we exist in a beneficent universe. I was reminded of something Geoffrey mentioned in a zoom chat - that if there was a button to end the world and us feeling beings knew this to be so, that not a single one of us would press it. This is because what we are underneath it all is that very benevolence and benignity. So this was the kind of contemplation that set the scene. It was marvelling at the fact that we exist in a beneficent universe which invited this “utter fullness”. There was a sense that actual freedom is not just an alternative but rather it is a guarantee, that since this utter fullness of infinitude is all that actually exist, the “call” will continue to ring and there is only 1 direction ultimately to travel, as Srinath wrote it is impossible to miss as one is aiming for the universe.
So to summarise it was contemplating on the inevitability of this utter fullness sooner or later coming to fruition, because it is all that actually exists.
So it seems to me that pure intent was indeed active in these contemplations. To answer the first question though - “or is this possibly a mirage created by a still hesitating but nevertheless cunning identity?”
I am not sure if I would use the word mirage (as it implies being tricked / doing the tricking) whereas ‘I’ was well aware that ‘I’ was not going to be taken away by this experience. ‘I’ was content to somewhat scout out the territory, the question is why?
A few weeks ago I wrote that it seemed that ‘I’ was indeed about to self-immolate, and it seemed that as it was about to happen ‘I’ jumped with the “too good to be true” and the thing halted right there and then. Something similar would happen over and over before I was able to allow my first PCE as a practicing actualist. I wanted it so bad that ‘I’ built up all these feeling reactions around it, so just as the actual world began to show itself ‘I’ would become so ecstatic that the experience would halt. It makes me think back to being young and eyeing up that pretty girl that I thought I could never approach. I wanted her so bad and yet I knew that the second she speaks to me I would crumble with emotion and get rejected anyways! So in the end I would settle for fantasy and looking from a distance.
This kind of framework set up the parameters of ‘me’ as an identity, that I would want these things so bad and I was indeed willing to do what is required to have those things and yet the second they became an actuality I would be sure to prevent them from happening. It was not for me to live those things after-all, I was to always look from a distance at those other people that were able to somehow not get their own knickers in a twist over everything. Oh the jealousy and self-loathing I experienced at this over the years 
.
So I was the super high achiever that would nevertheless achieve nothing in the end, it was not for me to live it…
I remember that with the PCE it eventually happened when I stopped making it such a big deal, of course I wanted it but I had to somehow get out of my own way and allow it.
And so this is what I was trying to do with those experiences. There was the memory that the last time I became ecstatic the potential for self-immolation halted, so this time I was trying to “just chill out”, to not move in either direction and instead simply allow this experience for what it is, without jumping in either direction.
It seems I am the most cowardly pioneer of them all, or rather a self-sabotaging pioneer. This is what I always found so outstanding reading Richard’s words, how he was able to proceed on his own into the unknown, I am the complete opposite of that. And yet I want to find a way to do it, it seems ‘I’ need to work with what ‘I’ have at hand. ‘I’ need to find a way to stop self-sabotaging.
And so I have been trying to shift things towards being an “of course”, that it is no “big deal” (in that emotional self sabotaging way) that it is for me to live it after-all.
I think maybe I will end it here for now before commenting on your other questions so it doesn’t get too messy.
oh I will just add :
Yes so this seeing of the utter fullness happened twice that day, 1 shortly following after the other.