Kuba: I had some very extraordinary experiences today… They were glimpses of what life is like after ‘my’ extinction. It’s very hard to put this into words, Richard described the actual world in such meticulous detail and yet the words alone do not do it justice, the actual experience of it is a different thing altogether.
In fact I wasn’t going to write about it because it seems that I can’t (not very well anyways) Yet those experiences happened, it was a world where no ‘being’ ever existed, where the past, present and future never existed either, a different world altogether. And this world is all that actually exists, all of ‘my’ life amounts to a feverish dream, but even this dream… Did it ever happen? Where did it happen? Because only the actual world genuinely exists. To land in the actual world (with nowhere else to possibly go to) is an unimaginable relief, it is truly inconceivable, it has to be lived to be known.
Just before those experiences happened ‘I’ was seen to never have been genuine in the first place, this is what precipitated them. One second ‘I’ existed across the past, present and the future, where apparently ‘I’ ran the show, then next second ‘I’ was fascinated by the fact that none of ‘my’ life ever took place. Indeed that ‘I’ am an errant and vainglorious brain pattern, ‘I’ never did anything of substance because ‘I’ was never genuine. But with ‘me’ having never been genuine there was an entire new world that opened up, except that I saw that eventually there will be no ‘me’ and no reality to revert back to. That once the door back to reality closes behind me, that it would have never existed in the first place, how bizarre! But this is exactly what guarantees such incredible safety, again the words don’t seem to do it any justice…
Hi Kuba,
This is a most extraordinary description of experiences. I can’t make out if you temporarily entered the actual world or are perhaps stuck in the door which should disappear as soon as you fully enter or … or is this possibly a mirage created by a still hesitating but nevertheless cunning identity?
What does prevent you from fully walking through that door, if it is the actual door to an actual freedom, something you wanted to do (so you say) for a long time?
And you say “those experiences” (plural). I can’t make sense of it … except perhaps that to experience “exactly what guarantees such incredible safety” is more important than taking the finalizing action?
Kuba: What Richard referred to in one of his correspondences as the “utter fullness” which is ‘calling one’ each moment again, this utter fullness is infinitude itself, the fact that only the actual world exists. The direct experience of this is just beyond words, hence I wasn’t going to write about it initially as I figured that I just have to go ahead and live it.
Here is how this correspondence about “utter fullness” started –
RESPONDENT: Earlier this afternoon, before it stormed here, I was outside watching a bird fly/flutter through a background of blue sky and the green leaves of trees and I was taken away by the utter fullness of it! Upon reflection of that brief glimpse of total attention, it seems thought is simply too one-dimensional to touch the multi-faceted fullness of that. I was stunned by thinking how rarely I stop and allow awareness to operate.
RICHARD: How effective has being ‘stunned by thinking’ been for you? How many times since this afternoon have you consequently stopped and allowed awareness – the utter fullness of total attention – to operate so that you will be taken away by the multi-faceted fullness of that? In other words: has this stunning thinking, subsequent to the event, done the trick by enabling that which is talked about so often to happen?
Just curious. (Richard, List B, No. 25e, 15 June 2000)
Unfortunately this correspondent managed to fritter away each and every opportunity to be fully “taken away” by “the utter fullness of it” with continuing to think about the experience in, what Richard called, “one-dimensional thought” –
RICHARD: Ahh … then reflecting and being ‘stunned by thinking’ how rarely you stopped and allowed awareness – the utter fullness of total attention – to operate is of no use whatsoever, eh? Is this because ‘thought is simply too one-dimensional’ to produce anything other than a one-dimensional stunning of the thinker would you say?
What does it take to produce a 3-D stunning of the thinker? (Richard, List B, No. 25e, 16 June 2000)
Kuba: There was also this fascinated thought that although ‘I’ never did anything of substance ‘I’ am nevertheless the only one to make the decision to allow ‘my’ self-immolation, again utterly bizarre. A passionate illusion agreeing to ‘his’ own demise. (link)
RESPONDENT: Seeing how we seldom let the fullness be, and instead stay stuck in the rut of thought, is what is ‘stunning’ thought. Facing that absurdity is perhaps worthwhile, don’t you think?
RICHARD: Goodness me no … why procrastinate by busying yourself with ‘facing that absurdity’ (which is to keep on busying yourself with that stunning thought) when it is total attention that is the trigger for the utter fullness being made apparent?
The only thing that is worthwhile is when ‘I stop and allow awareness to operate’ … period. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List B, No. 25f, 17 June 2000)
Are you perhaps making the same mistake?
Have you made ‘yourself’ so ephemeral, so illusionary, that you are no longer able to make the most important decision of your life to allow yourself to be taken away?
Perhaps another question can clarify something – has this “utter fullness” the same flavour as pure intent, “a palpable life-force; an actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself”?
Cheers Vineeto