Yes that would be like a self-fulfilling prophecy for ‘me’ to remain forever. ‘I’ tip the scales in such a way that nothing ever measures up, and then ‘I’ wait forever for that something that will be “powerful enough” to convince ‘me’. It’s like ‘I’ was waiting for some utopian dream to descend upon ‘me’, meanwhile ‘I’ am skipping over those things that actually matter.
This one especially got me and I have had these kinds of glimpses recently. That all my life I have been looking anywhere but here for the answer, and this includes those fellow human beings that are close to me in my life. Somehow I have depreciated them and yet they have been so intimately involved in my life, they have been here all this time and somehow they have been as if invisible to ‘me’. I looked at a picture of me and Sonya that we have in our bedroom and I realise that she is invisible to ‘me’, that even when that “happy picture” was taken, there was a rift of impassable proportions between ‘me’ and her.
It was easier to deceive myself by playing with far out ideals rather than looking right under my nose. ‘I’ would play with utopian dreams meanwhile ‘I’ cannot give Sonya what she wants, which is actual intimacy. And ‘I’ realise that in this regard ‘I’ am a complete failure, truly ‘I’ cannot give her what she wants, instead ‘I’ settled for a comfortable distance and then toyed around with things that would never actually come to fruition. Partly because ‘I’ knew that ‘I’ would screw things up if ‘I’ tried to get close. And I can see this in her, that she wants all of me, the actual me.
This is a very core aspect of ‘me’ that you have pointed to @Vineeto, it has been written before that men in particular struggle with intimacy and indeed this is like trying to mix oil and water for ‘me’, and ‘I’ have done what ‘I’ can to get close safely.
The struggles that ‘I’ have left in ‘my’ life relate specifically to this fear of intimacy. Richard wrote somewhere that to be actually intimate is life’s great challenge and it seems for ‘me’ this aspect of actual intimacy specifically as it relates to other human beings is somewhere that ‘I’ am still afraid of venturing towards, it seems this is the only place where there is still a sign that says “do not proceed here”.
Yeah I have thought about this one before haha, for their sake let’s hope that Richard’s theory of the critical mass is correct 