Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

I got wiped out by some stomach bug the past couple of days so only just getting round to replying now.

@Vineeto

In 1980, at the beginning of what was to be a four-hour PCE that was the turning-point in my life, ‘I’ saw ‘myself’ for what ‘I’ was (a lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning social identity) and the instant ‘I’ saw ‘myself’ … I was not that. Thus (when I reverted back to normal in the ‘real world’) ‘I’ knew, by direct experience, that ‘I’ was standing in the way of the actual being apparent … and ‘I’ had to go – become extinct – and not try to become something ‘better’. That is, ‘I’ knew that ‘I’ could never, ever become perfect or be perfection. The only thing ‘I’ could do – the only thing ‘I’ had to do – was die (psychologically and psychically self-immolate).
‘My’ question was: How on earth am ‘I’ to do this?

It is so fascinating that this is exactly what I saw when I was 18 and a PCE happened as I was walking home from school.
I remember the surprise back then when it was seen that ‘I’ was a phantom. At the time I experienced it as if this entity, the who that ‘I’ was ‘my’ whole life, was merely an ‘echo’, it was the conditioning itself blindly playing on repeat, this was ‘me’. But this was impossible to see for what it is unless a vantage point outside of ‘me’ was utilised. I saw ‘myself’ clearly just as ‘I’ was going into abeyance and it was seen that ‘I’ was never genuine. Furthermore it was seen that this entity, this ‘echo’ was standing in the way of the perfection and purity that was already always here.

So even this 18 year old boy who had no clue about actualism could see it! Unfortunately the PCE devolved into an ASC as I was already dabbling in some spiritually inspired self-help stuff by then. Having no other alternatives to turn to I went for Vipassana meditation to try to replicate the experience…
Somehow though I managed to come full circle and now I understand exactly what I saw back then, furthermore I have the means to actualise it.

It is all crystal clear nowadays, and because of that I find that ‘I’ have nothing else left to do but to find that something which will trigger ‘my’ altruism. @jamesjjoo I was contemplating what you wrote in your post :

@jamesjjoo

Since I have faced the fear of physical death I surely should be able to face psychological and psychic death of the ‘I/me’. Actually, It should be easy in comparison. Why is it not? What is stopping me?

And it is clear that this has all to do with altruism, as in ‘I’ can accept the facticity of death’s oblivion and yet this is not altruism. Accepting the facticity of death can undo resentment however altruistic self sacrifice is more than this. It is a gift that ‘I’ gift to humankind, willingly and cheerfully. It is not merely accepting that death will happen (this is somewhat passive) but rather ‘I’ actively ensure ‘my’ death now, for the benefit of others. It is something that ‘I’ must want to do with the entirety of ‘my’ being, this is not merely acceptance.

So the question is what will seduce ‘me’ to want to gift this gift, it will have to be big!