So things are still going well, I have managed to evade getting stuck in the same places that I did in the past. That question of who or what am ‘I’ willing to give all of ‘myself’ to is still open, it is a thread that runs through ‘my’ moment to moment experience.
What clicked today is that altruistic self-sacrifice will end both the good and the bad. What is called ‘selflessness’ in reality will disappear along with selfishness. There was this brief thought this morning that ‘I’ am not ‘clean’ enough to give all of ‘myself’ to something, essentially that ‘I’ was to become more ‘selfless’ before self-immolation could happen. But very quickly I realised that this is a dead end, because self-immolation will put an end to all of ‘me’, the ‘clean’ as well as the dirty parts.
In fact anything good of ‘me’ was what ‘I’ had to manufacture in order to counteract the evil in ‘me’ and they will both be kept in place as long as ‘I’ remain. When ‘I’ willingly sacrifice all of ‘myself’ then the slate is wiped clean. There will be no need for the good to counteract the bad.
So ‘I’ can completely lay down ‘my’ arms, this is what you mentioned @Vineeto, that ‘I’ have to be happy to be exposed warts and all. It’s like ‘I’ can happily agree that this is the end of the road for ‘me’, which means ‘I’ no longer have to be vigilant in order to keep ‘myself’ in check. It’s the end of a lifetime struggle, the battle between good and evil.