There is something that Srinath mentioned to me a few days ago that - seeing something as silly can sometimes take considerable emotional work,
I think this might be useful to keep in mind for you @FrankN
2 Likes
Very touching Kuba
This is very helpful, Kuba.
You done it again Kuba, nice work 
Thank you for actually saying this Kuba 
1 Like
1 Like
So as inspired by @Elgin’s recent post I decided to write more about the process of sorting through various things.
There is 1 thing that came up yesterday that has been an ongoing theme for a very long time now, it has been getting better but this whole thing is still far from resolved.
I was coaching a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class yesterday at one of the gyms I teach at, I am relatively new to that gym so not everyone knows me so well yet, I have this feeling that I need to prove myself to them, prove that I know my stuff.
There is potential for bullshit to pass off as effective technique in the martial arts world so the instructor needs to be able to demonstrate that what he is showing actually works agains a fully resisting opponent and is not what is jokingly called ‘bullshido’.
Brazilian jiu jitsu is the martial art that demonstrated that the smaller, less athletic individual can beat a much bigger, stronger and athletic individual by using technique and leverage. By being a BJJ instructor I feel that I am obligated to carry this ideal forward, and that I need to be able to demonstrate it impeccably at all times.
So this pretty much sets the scene for this theme that has been going on for a long time. There is this responsibility/obligation I feel, to live up to that ideal of being able to use perfect BJJ technique to defeat anyone and everyone, and that as the instructor I need to demonstrate this in training at all times, phew that sounds stressful just writing it!
I want to live up to that ideal so that I can inspire the other guys to develop that same sort of skillset, by failing to live up to the ideal I feel that I am failing them. Because I am showing them that maybe this shared fantasy of being an invincible martial arts master is just that, a fantasy. Living up to the ideal is what I offer in exchange for love and adoration from them, because they want that power too so they will forever need me. (It’s funny how similar all of this is to the enlightenment drama that Richard writes about, the underlying mechanisms of trust, surrender, the master/disciple hierarchy, its all there!)
Now I know I am good, not world class but definitely high level enough to be able to develop guys to a pretty high standard. I do not compete as I never had the desire for it but in sparring I can hang with guys that are competing at high levels. So I know I am not teaching ‘bullshido’, I know that what I am showing works. There is however this underlying anxiety that I will be exposed for a fraud.
Yesterday when it came to sparring I was rolling with one of the guys who is relatively new to grapping, he has been training for a year or two, so I thought “I should be able to pretty much toy with him”. This would be where I would look to demonstrate the power of BJJ to my students and feeling great about myself carrying this beacon of power.
Now as much as technique ultimately beats strength, the thing that one finds very quick in doing martial arts is that strength and athleticism still matters, and there is a lot of variability as to peoples levels of strength and athleticism. You will every now and then come across those ‘freaks of nature’, people that do not look it but when engaged, feel like a wild animal, this guy was one of them 
For his frame, unbelievably strong and scrappy, and having some grappling experience too which made him extremely hard to control and submit. Now of course I did control and submit him but it was not as easy as I would like to demonstrate. Because I am the ‘sensei’, I am the guy that is meant to tap him 10 times without even breaking a sweat, and here I was really having to work!
There was an instant fear about what my students will think when they see us sparring. Will they feel let down because they no longer believe in ‘technique conquering all’, will they doubt me now when I demonstrate technique to them and think “why should I listen to you, you couldn’t do this on a white belt”.
Now the fact is that technique works, and I can show technique that works, but this ideal of technique easily neutralising ANY sort of athleticism with minimal effort is just an ideal.
The fact is that there are people that will always be a handful, and as a martial arts instructor would I not rather help my students see this fact clearly instead of perpetuating a fantasy? Afterall all what if they were to take this fantasy into the street if they ever found themselves in a situation, they would be shocked when they realise that the 100kg rugby player is actually not so easy to control, even though he might have no technique. Am I not doing them a better service by demonstrating what is factual, what works, even if it does not live up to some fantasy of being all powerful.
So this is a pretty in depth description of this theme, I can see there is an investment into all these values and ideals that underpin my identity as a martial arts coach, yet the reason this theme still continues is because I am still invested in them. At the core of it all seems the desire to be all-powerful and invincible. By being ‘that’ I will receive unlimited love and adoration from the martial arts ‘group’.
7 Likes
Since this morning the words that have been on my mind are : sincere, genuine and naive. To be those is to no longer engage in that whole game I described in the previous post.
Being naive means no longer buying into the collective wisdom of humanity. Being genuine means that I am no longer acting out a persona that ultimately comprises of various fantasies. Being genuine means that I can act with sincerity, which means being free of deceit. To be sincere means that A = A always, not A being used to mean/achieve X.
I have been looking at this, what is the need for fantasy and deceit? Why is it that I am driven to pursue those ideals, there is good feelings in those but those are only there to cover up the bad feelings of not being good enough. What keeps the whole thing spinning?
It seems deep down there is the fundamental part of me that says ‘you are not enough as you are’. This is the very thrust of the social identity in action, that belief that I only earn my right to be happy if I meet the long list of expectations placed upon me. And of course if I do meet them and get my good feelings I then have to restart the process to get the next fix, very much a hamster on the wheel situation.
The conditioned wisdom is that one gets to be happy by being a someone, achieving something, it is granted to me if only I follow the rules laid out by humanity, it is clear why this kind of reward/punishment system is used to control the ‘being’ that exists in each human.
The funny thing to contemplate is that it is only real because I have been willingly playing along with the game, the wisdom of humanity appearing to be set in concrete when it is not.
Right now there is this hesitation, there is the draw towards naiveté, the shift towards naiveté is experienced as if I have been looking out of this dirty, muddy window my whole life. Then all of a sudden the window is wiped clean, There is still the window, the ‘me’ but it is a different ‘me’. From that clean place I am able to act in a way that is original and genuine.
On the other side there is that familiar fear of ‘something will go terribly wrong!!!’, it is familiar because I remember this fear from the very beginning, whenever I would contemplate stepping out ‘my’ firm outlines, it would be there, only to disappear later when it is seen that there was actually never any danger to begin with.
4 Likes
It seems telling to me that not only has your goal been to successfully submit someone who is very athletic (already not an easy feat!) but to do it ‘with ease,’ which is first of all already moving the baseline, but second of all a subjective measure. We’ve all seen the cliches in kung-fu films of masters submitting opponents without hardly moving a muscle, which seems the logical conclusion of such an ideal
1 Like
Yes @henryyyyyyyyyy haha that is the exact archetype I am taking about with this martial arts fantasy
2 Likes
It reminds me of spiritual masters who are not satisfied by one person loving them, they need a group. And then of course the group is never large enough, it must continue to grow and grow… there must be ever-more worship & adoration… even a group of millions is not enough, the whole world must love me! And then when the promises of the master don’t make the followers feel ecstasy it is never the fault of the master or the teachings, it is the fault of the follower, who must eternally double down on the teachings, they must be ‘doing something wrong.’
But of course it doesn’t work because human nature is just too recalcitrant, and the promises of the master are too outlandish, not connected to something genuine. No wonder they always move the baseline to some afterlife
4 Likes
Yes it is the same game being played out, the question that is currently running through my mind is why I reject that which is genuine and instead continue pursuing the game of being someone special.
I can see this theme playing out in other scenarios too, for example with the hen party jobs I do. There is a certain ‘high’ that I get when I see that I am desired by the girls at the events, it makes me feel special, like ‘I’ am ‘right’ after all!
And yet their desire is more to do with them than me, I just happen to be at the right place at the right time, yet I so desperately seek to be special.
2 Likes
The other thing that has just come to my attention is the difference between the words special and unique.
I want to be special which always implies a hierarchy, I wish to stand apart from others and this expresses itself in the hierarchical structure, being more than the other, or fearing being less than the other.
Whereas unique is clean, because being unique allows equity. The pursuit of being special leads to conflict and away from intimacy.
5 Likes
So the past few days I have been getting good success by looking at responsibility and obligation. How this whole thing came about is quite cool too.
My mum lived in New Zealand during the time when I started with Actualism so she remembered the grumpy and miserable me that she left in England. When she came back to the UK recently she immediately noticed something big has changed, that miserable Kuba was no longer about haha. She has always been very interested in ‘alternative’ things, so when she asked I took the chance to introduce some Actualism to her.
I never made into a ‘thing’, we just had lots and lots of long discussions about life and about what it is that I have been doing to change. I even printed out a copy of the Actualism diagram for her and explained the method.
At first when we would discuss there would be lots and lots of sticking points, but she was still interested, she could see there was something here that makes sense. Each time we met she would say that she has thought about and applied the things we have been discussing and she now agrees. Since then she has come back to me many times with various realisations she has had and she has commented how so many various issues have improved for her. She is currently like a secret Actualist, she is doing it!
She is big into nutrition and pushing a healthy lifestyle and last time we spoke we got onto the topic of why I personally have little interest in those things. That there is a much bigger issue at hand which I am focusing on, the root cause of human misery and anguish. Living in reality is a grim and glum business so of course people turn to and abuse food, alcohol or what have you in order to put up with being here. Without the ‘me’ that is the spanner in the works the need for various forms of control via diet and lifestyle changes are no longer necessary.
We then got onto discussing the reasons why living in the real world is such a grim and glum business and one of the things that came up is the sense of obligation and responsibility that is conditioned into each individual. This obligation and responsibility clouds the naiveté and zest for living that we all remember as children, I made the example of my 5 year old brother who demonstrates this so well every time I see him.
But then my mum said well of course your 5 year old brother has no responsibility, he does not have to look after himself, he has no job, no family etc.
But then again I personally do not feel great responsibility to go to work, I go to work because I need money to pay for essentials, it simply makes sense, and the same for looking after myself. Why the need to use this emotionally sourced construct of - responsibility.
She disagreed at first but with more examples she got it! she could see that responsibility is like a moral filter that we project onto the world of people things and events, and that it can actually be removed from ones life. Without responsibility/obligation I make choices because they are the sensible choices, the great thing about this is that it stops resentment.
Because responsibility/obligation come from the outside, they are a means of control, therefore they inevitably lead to resentment. Autonomy means that each choice is made because it is the best choice I can make, then resentment also disappears.
Since that talk, these 2 words (obligation/responsibility) have been on my mind all the time. Because from the conversation I noticed that there is still many avenues in my life where responsibility and obligation play a big role.
The main thing I saw the other day is that without responsibility/obligation I am no longer afraid of how things will turn out, this leads to freedom from worry and freedom from the constant urge to ‘control the future’.
However it does not mean I stop caring, actually it allows me to care more. One way (perhaps a little weak) I can describe it is that it shifts the focus from being outcome oriented into being process oriented. As in it is impossible to reach into the future and guarantee an outcome (responsibility relentlessly asks one to do this impossible feat though!).
Without responsibility I am free to focus on this moment which is happening right now and to function in the optimum right now. After-all this is the only thing that I can actually do. Without the fear of getting things ‘wrong’ I am free to apply my intelligence to the task at hand and to delight in doing so as well.
5 Likes
A very helpful post Kuba. Thanks for sharing your insights. 
1 Like
So things are going pretty well lately, things appear to be falling away bit by bit. There is something that still remains though that I wanted to write about, it is what I am currently looking into. It seems again to relate back to obligation.
In general there appears to be a fear of being me as I am, of being genuine. It expresses itself when I write here, when I coach, when I do anything that involves the perceived expectations that others place on me.
There is a niggling fear of ‘getting it wrong’, of ‘not being good enough’, of ‘letting them down’, not living up to ‘their’ expectations. Even though those ‘expectations’ are actually a projection of my own internal world, of my own beliefs and fantasies.
It is another one of them so familiar feelings because it has been with me for so long, it seems to be part of the bedrock of what it means to be a social identity.
I guess the other thing is that when I have been investing into being a fake for so long, to attempt to be genuine seems dangerous, because I am purposefully exposing all those fantasies that I have been hiding behind, my fabricated sense of security and authority which comes from being a ‘someone’ is being shattered.
The fear is that anyone and everyone in my life will reject the me that is genuine, because he is no longer ‘that’. Even writing this though I can see this is a furphy, because when I am no longer a ‘someone’ I can be a fellow human being, I can live in equity and intimacy and is this not what we all want deep down?
Furthermore do I really believe that they all buy into the persona that I present as the real me? It seems that actually this whole drama has NOTHING to do with others, and ALL to do with my own projections. Is anything actually being given up when I am genuine, or is it that I simply stop pretending and playing a silly game?
4 Likes
I think the funny actuality of it is that most people won’t even notice any difference 
.
2 Likes
Yeah haha this is exactly what I was thinking.