I’ve just had an interesting few days of investigation
I was talking with a friend who was repeatedly complaining about their coworker’s aggressive behavior toward them, this was something that had been going on for months
After a few times of talking with them about this person, analyzing their actions with them etc., I asked if it was possible that my friend was doing anything to contribute to the situation. They found this upsetting, thinking that I was justifying their behavior.
We haven’t talked about it further yet, but it got me thinking about the popular conception of the idea of ‘victim blaming,’ which is considered improper.
Whereas Richard has no issue at all with ‘blaming the victim,’ talking about that issue directly here:
“And it is indeed all about ‘blaming the victim’ (to use the current jargon) … you have been physically harmed already and have been offered physical harm again! What more has to happen before you will inquire into yourself?
…
RESPONDENT: Would you tell the victims of Hitler or the Ku Klux Klan to inquire into themselves?
RICHARD: Yes … if they asked me. Identifying with by relating and belonging to a group – and espousing group ideals – invites attack from the bully-boys of another group who deem themselves superior. Why identify? Why relate? Why belong?
The pertinent question to ask oneself now is: ‘Why do I have the need to identify by relating to anyone or belonging to any group at all’? This is inquiring.
He talks about the same issue here, as well:
RESPONDENT: I have a question for anyone kind enough to answer. How do I relate to someone who has physically harmed me? Who wishes to harm me again?
RICHARD: Unless it is a sociopathic stranger prowling the streets taking any victim at random, the physical harm one receives is invoked by the way one feels about one’s assailant … whether one’s feelings are acted upon in behaviour or not.
So it’s clear that Richard sees any instance of aggression, or violence, (short of a sociopathic stranger prowling the streets taking any victim at random) as implicating the so-called ‘victim,’ as well as the attacker.
This is because we are all emotionally connected, intuitively sensitive to the emotions of others. Even when one is making a concerted effort to control one’s emotions and actions, or trying to ignore the emotions of others, they are still instantly instinctively felt.
After reading all this and thinking about how it potentially applied to my friend’s situation, I went to my hockey game. Late in a close game - when emotions ran high - I went after the puck when the other goalie had covered it, a big no-no. A player on the other team, who I had previous encounters with and had a negative opinion of, rushed up on me, pushing me away. I turned to confront him, saying nothing but making it clear with my demeanor that I ‘would not be messed with,’ something I had actually started to do last fall in an interest in not being ‘walked all over.’
The other player immediately launched into a tirade of verbal abuse, clearly very angry and aggressive toward me.
I initially found this abuse troubling and hurtful, but later as I reflected on the situation, I realized it was exactly illustrative of Richard’s claims around ‘victims’ and ‘attackers.’
While I had not said anything, and thus had done ‘nothing’ (in the normal sense) to provoke, I had intuitively felt negatively toward the other player. This was clearly enough to ‘set him off,’ as he intuitively responded to my emotional tone.
This has got me thinking of many other people I have felt similarly toward and not really questioned, as I had been successful in ‘keeping the lid on’ and not allowing the emotion to be expressed. However, it is clear that not outwardly expressing is not enough in itself - if I am feeling the emotion, then so is the other.
I’ve already had an instance this morning where I was feeling subtly negatively toward someone, caught myself, and began to see them in a different light. As soon as I made that subtle shift, I saw that my interaction with them was easier, and that they visibly relaxed.
I was immediately reminded of this passage:
“I cannot receive – or transmit – any ‘vibes’ at all … hence nobody ever offers physical harm. Verbal abuse very rarely happens (in face to face interactions) and when it does it falls flat on the floor for want of a receiver. The other then stops doing it in puzzlement … to be followed by a growing delight in finding a fellow human being free of any of the nonsense that epitomises the normal human interaction called ‘relationship’.”
-Richard
This whole time I have been feeling negatively toward those who I felt to be perpetuating the aggression & harm of humanity, but by feeling that way toward them, I am as guilty as they are, and indeed doing as much as they are to continue this pattern indefinitely. This aggression does nothing of benefit, only further propping up ‘them’ and ‘me.’ ‘I’ had generated identity around not being someone who perpetuated violence, and yet I was as guilty as anyone. And I had created an entire identity around ‘being an actualist,’ ‘someone who is contributing to the solution,’ but part of that was feeling negatively toward anyone who didn’t see things my way.
This also answers a mystery I have been trying to sort out for a few years now, of why I was having trouble being relaxed talking with others about actualism issues. It’s because I have this aggression hanging in the wings waiting for anyone who I don’t approve of.
Rather than needing to ‘disapprove’ or ‘approve’ of anyone, I can just like them as they are - warts and all:
[Richard]: “(…) the difference between you and me is that I actually care about my fellow human being and will leave no stone unturned, if that be what it takes, to understand them, to comprehend why they say what they do, so as to facilitate clarity in communication … I like my fellow human being and prefer that their self-imposed suffering come to an end, forever, sooner rather than later”.
Major wake-up call.
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and knowingly, willfully, deliberately, kicking it across the room. As you say, it’s a clearly malicious act. Because a baby is not an inanimate unfeeling thing. It’s a living thing than can experience harm. And you caused it to experience harm.
. A way of avoiding recognizing that ‘I’ am rotten and that ‘I’ can do something about it (self-immolate). A surrendering to my fate, instead of escaping my fate and achieving my destiny (as Richard puts it).
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