So I went from feeling very bad to pretty good just now. I think I’m starting to get an idea of how to get back to feeling good. The key is sincerity. I have a tendency to superficially look at my feelings, just as a step in the recipe, rather than really zeroing in on what I feel. I think I do this because I am very scared of what I will find.
Yesterday I came close to an EE, I would say on a scale of good, great, excellent, perfect, I felt great. I rarely feel this way. It all started when I was at a large sporting event. I was caught up in worrying about my relationship, and then I realized that the solution that “I” always use to solve my problems, aggressively thinking about and beating myself up over my faults, is what is keeping me locked into this mess. I remembered the quote I read from Alan that said, “you have to give up feeling bad”. And then, I saw many parts of my emotional structure at once. How I am a frantic, obsessive entity that desperately wants to be loved. I kind of “accepted” the entirety of me. I also saw how “I” am my feelings and my feelings are “me”. Then I saw it was all so silly. I didn’t do anything, I just saw it. Suddenly I was feeling so good, it didn’t matter where I was. I was feeling naive and cheerful. I also felt my “self” thinning out a little, but not that much. But it was a beautiful experience. In the following hours I saw more and more of my emotional structure from that vantage point. Today it’s back to misery though.
All in all, I learned that sincerity in learning how you operate is very key, and that’s not always easy to do because “I” want to hide from everything. I’d rather not see what I’m up to, but a quick and dirty feeling good pasted over top the churning volcano allows “me” to continue.
i wonder what is these worrying about your relationship are? because i see a lot of this phrase in your posts " these worrying about my relationship " …
and this one you are saying : " How I am a frantic, obsessive entity that desperately wants to be loved. " is this one of your worrying ? or this is the seeing how you operate ?
now i am asking my self : " should i delete what i wrote here ? because it seems like me wants to see how people are doing in their lives >>>or maybe me wants to get entangled in talking so that it keeps me from being here now .or maybe it wants a feeling of belonging to a group …
The thinking ( that comes with worrying ) isn’t the problem, but it is the weapon through which “I” as the feeling being keeps on perpetuating myself.
i was thinking about my worries and all of a sudden i told myself , " but leila you came to this path so that you come to end , worrying about yourself is the opposite of this path … it is like you are holding on to an umbrella , and you are deciding to jump in an ocean , and eventhough you know that you gonna loose the umbrella , , still keep on worrying about the umbrella and its relationships to other things and people !
since then i am not worrying about my relation ship anymore …because i came to this path so that [ i ] end …
i hope nobody reads this …now i feel anxiety for writing this …i even deleted the first part …
Richard says you have to become the biggest narcissist in the world to have success with actualism… it is only by becoming self-obsessed that you will be able to catch all the little tricks that you get up to… you can be an investigator of all the deepest parts of yourself, of all your history, of everything in your life.
Normally that is considered selfish, but this is to become free! It would be of so much benefit to the world to have one less ‘me’ running around
Write about yourself if you want! Even if not on this forum. I was delighted with my most recent post how much others had to share about similar experiences. We are all the same.
appreciate it Henry …i feel like you are my brother …
it is very strange , this word " narcissist ", i was thinking about it the whole day today , that how i became so narcissist !!!
the more I discover myself , the more I am amazed at what I am made of over the years … I am like a big spider web that I have been in the yard all these years, but I have not seen it… by coming to this path , the sun shine on it and I saw it …
this me that harms … this me that expects, this me that wants , this me that fears …fear of death …fear of getting old , fear of having nobody …
Nice @leila, this reminds me of this phrase I coined once that we are these expectation replicators. Finding new ways to manifest shoulds and should nots on ourselves.
