So for a while now I have been somewhat obsessed with death. It seems it started after the PCE a while ago when I started contemplating that self-immolation might be an actual possibility for me. The news of Alan’s passing away has brought home the inevitability of death even closer.
What I am starting to see is that I am still somewhat in denial about death. I see becoming actually free as some sort of a cheat code against death, like it wouldn’t really matter anymore because I am living in this superhuman state. But that is just avoidance, fuelled by the fear of death once again.
Actually it is the fear of death and the inability to see the role that death plays in my life that is preventing me from wanting to be here. Deep down I don’t want to be here because to do so I would have to accept the absolute inevitability and finality of death whether actually free or not.
Death is what comes for all of us and it will happen as a fact when it does, this body will one day be no more and there will be no consciousness for this particular flesh and body ever again. This will happen irregardless of whether there is a ‘me’ or not still in existence.
Actual freedom does not give me a ticket to cheat death, to realise myself as ‘the universe’ and proceed to cheat death. It is only when I fully face my mortality that ‘I’ can allow myself to get out of the way. To allow the universe to do what it does, to allow life to happen of its own accord including when it will end me.
So all in all I am using the prospect of becoming free as a cushion, a cushion against the fact that death will happen to me. At the end of the day none of it all will matter one bit, in the infinitude of the universe none of these things actually matter. This infinite and eternal universe will continue doing it’s thing long after my drama and all of our collective dramas are gone.
The question then becomes how do I want to experience life whilst it is still happening, accepting that death will inevitably happen, how do I want to experience this moment of being alive?
